WTF Friday: vol. 14

Are you gonna eat that?

You know, I like to think I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to most things, including food. I’ve heard about some bonkers shit, and for the most part I’d be willing to try it. However, I almost threw up when I read this article:

SCIENTISTS DEVELOP BUG BUTTER

Excuse me, they did what now?

Mind you, this is coming from someone who ate a chocolate covered bug once, just because the opportunity presented itself. I can neither confirm nor deny that alcohol was involved. I can, however, confirm that Jay refused to kiss me until I’d brushed my teeth. Twice.

And truthfully? It wasn’t that bad. Not sure if I’d do it again, but it was not as gross as I had anticipated.

I just can’t wrap my head around taking fly larvae, turning it into a paste, and using it to bake cookies. Don’t ask me why it’s different, it just is.

What about you Dissy, are bug biscuits in your future?

Yeah… prior to making any kind of decision, I needed to consult with my dear friend, Google. Here is what I found:

Researchers trying to find a dairy substitute say they extracted grease from insects. They needed just under an ounce of insects to make enough grease, to make the cake. The team says it’s better for the environment than dairy production, which is where most butter comes from. In a quick taste test, they found they could use half butter and half bugs and you can’t really taste the difference.

I tried super hard to take a picture of myself showing my “ewww…” face, but the lighting in my kitchen (we’ve been mandated to work from home. Thank you, coronavirus) makes me look like I’m about 800 trillion years old, and I’m not willing to look like that on the camera just yet.

Anyhow?

ewww…

I was a little relieved to find that it wasn’t a matter of throwing some grubs and roaches in your mortar and pestle, grinding them up, and throwing it in the cookie batter. Somehow, they harvested the “grease” off these bugs (then again… how do you do that?). Still… No. Just… No.

Which one of those scientist idiots thinks this is cake?

This is yet another topic that generates more questions than answers, though, I guess in this day and age, we only really need to be concerned with one:

Is it gluten free?

Furthermore, a phrase like “you really can’t taste the difference,” tells me that you can, in fact, taste a HUGE difference. It’s like saying there’s no difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb. (don’t fight me on this, you will lose) or between pizza crust and that shit-paste people make out of cauliflower. There’s ALWAYS a discernable difference in taste. Stop lying to us, science people. Now.

So, there you have it. What will we come up with next week?

Only one way to find out!

Cent’anni, Bitches!

WTF Friday: vol. 11

Google is your friend.

Today’s dose of WTF Friday is not pertaining to any kind of news item. Today, it is a legitimate question that has been trying Dissy’s patience for years.

Why does the general population seem to be utterly in-fucking-capable of finding something out for themselves?

I can see maybe wanting a referral or a recommendation from a friend and putting that question out there on the internet, but some of this shit? It would probably be a lot quicker to get an answer if you sent smoke signals across the valley to a neighboring tribe than it is to sit around waiting for your random friends to contribute to that facebook post you made asking how to restart your fitbit*.

Or… a better idea than slamming it into oblivion with a hammer like your third grade unreciprocated crush suggested, maybe try:

Google?
The instructions that came with the fitbit?
YouTube?

So, Barb, why in the hell do YOU think people do this?

I’m thinking it’s either laziness, attention seeking, or some combination of the two.
I feel like the same people constantly posting on Facebook looking for advice on the best ass wiping techniques are the same ones who are incapable of sneezing without posting it.

And I get it, social media wouldn’t be particularly social if no one posted about their lives. But I can’t be the only one tired of seeing a photo montage every time certain people walk from the living room to the kitchen. (maybe we should throw a couch at them).

Also, recently I’m noticing a major opposition to looking things up and doing your own research. People want everything spoon fed to them. And it has to be what they want to hear, or the shit hits the fan.

Or maybe I’m just a cranky jerk today, who knows 😉

But, we’ve gotta go for now. Dissy just sneezed.

*fitbit is only an example. It could really be anything.

Cent’anni, Bitches!

WTF Friday: vol. 7

You know what they say about big feet…

I saw this on Facebook this week, and Barb sent it to me as a blog idea, as well. I figured that’s a cosmic sign that this shit needs discussed.

This is from Sherman’s Pass in Washington State (Home of Ted Bundy).

I have been captivated by the story of Sasquatch/Bigfoot since I saw Col. Steve Austin, Astronaut, meet him on an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man, back in the 1970s. I’ve never been on an actual search before, but I think it’s time for me to make a trek.

I was today-years-old when I learned that Bigfoot was played by Andre the Giant in this episode.

The article linked to this picture states that they did a drive-by after the question about the figure in the picture came up. They said, simply:

“We made it back from Sherman Pass! Made several passes and even stopped at the top of the summit near the camera to see if we could find Sasquatch… no such luck…”

What the fuck? You couldn’t at least TELL us whether or not there were footprints in the snow?? You could at least tell us if there were footprints! I feel that Bigfoot is a big enough thing that they would KNOW to mention footprints. I feel like not doing so is a calculated attempt to hide something…

If mud can preserve them, I am certain that snow can.

What are your thoughts, Barb?

I thought of Dissy immediately when I saw this, after all, Bigfoot is totally her jam.

Although I don’t have nearly the same love for the furry guy she does, something about the casual, throwaway report on this makes me suspicious.

Fuck a lawn gnome. I need THIS!

There are whole television shows about ‘squatchin, yet they want us to believe this is no big deal? No details about where they searched, what (if anything) they found? No pictures released?

You’re absolutely right Dissy, there’s a BIG coverup afoot.

See what I did there?

‘Til Next Time…

Cent’anni, Bitches!

WTF Friday: Vol 3

A while back, my ex’s mother, Mern, had a knee replacement done.  I went over to her house to keep her company and to help get her food. As was often the case, Mern and I decided it would be a fantastic idea to watch Lifetime movies all day. It was on this day that I saw the absolute most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Bottom line, a young girl killed herself to get out of a toxic relationship. Boyfriend couldn’t make the funeral because he had been arrested for some reason or other. When he got out of jail, he went to the cemetery, dug up her grave, got in the concrete vault, opened the coffin, crawled inside, and snuggled with her.

I remember my ex’s brother walking in the room around the time this was happening and him being just as horrified, “Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you two watching?!”

I looked over at Mern and said, “I don’t think I have ever seen or will ever see anything that disturbing again. Ever.” She looks at me and says, “yeah, but at least we know it’s just TV.”

And then this happened:

Apparently, corpse cuddles aren’t just for television.

Barb?

Ew, just….ew. I can’t decide what the worst part of this is. The fact that this poor woman was in her 80s? That she had been dead and buried for weeks? That the perpetrators are teenagers?? This whole thing is like a rancid onion, every layer you peel back is new levels of gross.

Also, thanks so much for “corpse cuddles”. Definitely needed THAT visual burned into my brain, haha!

It makes me wonder what you do with kids like this. Jail? Hospitalization? Something serious has to be done though, the world absolutely does NOT need another Carl Tanzler.

Even Patrick is wondering WTF??

Dissy again… I think we need more information here. I mean, was it planned out? Were they maybe planning on some basic grave robbing and thought, “what the hell, we’re here… may as well.” Was it a dare? Is that why they even went to the cemetery to begin with? And then, that thought begs the question: is pre-meditated corpse abuse a harsher penalty than spontaneous corpse abuse? Should it be?

Of course, we had questions about how decomposed a corpse would be. Per the story, she was relatively fresh, but we were curious to know what condition this poor woman’s body would have been in. Lucky for us that my brother-from-another-mother is dating an undertaker.

Per our professional consultation, all conditions being ideal, there would be no decomposition at all. But still… ewww…

Whatever these kids were after, they sure were committed. It can’t be easy to dig up a grave. And people say this younger generation is lazy. pfft… please.

Well, that’s this week’s edition of WTF Friday! We hope you had as much fun with it as we did. For now? Lifetime is calling…

Cent’anni, Bitches!

WTF Friday: Vol. 2

Parent of the Year Nominees: Turn of the Century Edition

Barb here. No matter how many mistakes you’ve made as a parent, at least you aren’t these people.

Remember how every time you were being a little shithead as a kid, your parents would threaten to ship you off somewhere? Apparently in the early part of the 1900s, some parents actually did!

According to what I found out, up until 1913, only packages weighing less than four pounds could be sent. When that changed, humanity handled it with the precise level of logic and common sense you would expect. Which is to say, they lost their goddamn minds. Mail carriers ended up with everything from bricks to live snakes. And because things hadn’t gone far enough yet, some parent got a brilliant idea. Grandma wants the baby to come visit but travelling is expensive. What’s a budget conscious family to do? Plaster a bunch of stamps to the poor kid and mail them of course.

It took two years, and at least seven known occurrences for the post office to finally get around to fixing the regulations so human beings could no longer be considered packages. So Dissy, my former postal employee bestie, what do you think about this!

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night … nor shitty diapers…

My first inclination is to be incredibly disappointed that no one ever tried to mail child-Dissy anywhere.  But that’s 49-year-old me talking.  Child-Dissy was pretty much a chicken shit who was afraid of strangers and would probably be glad no one ever tried to express her off to parts unknown.

I did know this fun WTF fact, and, interestingly enough, I did not learn it during my brief tenure as a postal worker.  I did, however, narrowly miss a classic “postal episode” where a dude missed out on retirement by less than a week because he couldn’t keep that brain in check for just a few more days.  Well, maybe the prison retirement plan was more lucrative. 

I learned it on either TLC or the Discovery channel.  I am a huge fan of those “top ten” type shows.

Anyhow, I digress…

I think we’re only horrified by these things now because we’d never dream of doing them. Hindsight and all…  I’m sure it seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.  Logistics, now, that concerns me.  Who pulled diaper and feeding duty? I mean, there was no such thing as overnight delivery back then (was there?), so it’s not like the transport could take place during bedtime. I suppose it’s also a good thing that they didn’t have a ton of automation back then.  Who wants to send Junior through the machinery involved in the postage cancelling and sorting process?

You know, for all the packages I’ve mailed in the course of my life (maybe 8, tops), they’ve asked me all kinds of questions about what was in the package.  Is it this?  Is it that? You don’t have (insert thing that it would be very bad to try to mail someone) in this package, do you? Never once did they ask me if there were any children in the package.  Maybe they’re not so strict about this rule anymore.  I think someone should try it and see what happens. (do I REALLY have to put the “kids, do NOT try this at home!!” disclaimer on this? Yes?  Okay.  *sigh*)

DO NOT TRY THIS. IT WAS A JOKE. DON’T BE STUPID.

NOTE:  Dissy is a shit starter.  There are lots of stories of her goading her friends into doing ridiculous things in the name of a good time… think “peeing on electric fence” type things.  Don’t listen to her.  Ever. Unless it’s helpful, wise, or unless you sign a waiver relieving her of any responsibility for horrible outcomes.  Now, if Dissy’s shit starting generates millions for you, of course she wants her cut.  Barb needs some too because she’s Dissy’s partner.

Now that we got that disclaimer out of the way…

Bottom line:  Don’t mail Junior. 

Have a great weekend!!

Cent’anni, Bitches!

WTF Friday vol.1

Really?  A shit problem?

Howdy, folks! Dissy here kicking off our first edition of WTF Friday!! *insert canned studio applause*

We’re, by and large, still figuring out how we’re going to format some of our weekly standards, so bear with us while we work it out.  Here’s what we came up with for this week:

I fished on Google for a WTF topic.  I’m going to introduce it, say my brief piece, then pass it on over to Barb.  She has to write about it.  No whining, griping, or complaining about the topic.  Next week, she finds the WTF and I have to tackle it.  This method, of course, is subject to change at our whim.

Most of the time, my sense of humor is compared to that of an 8 year old boy.  Especially when it comes to bodily functions.  One of my favorite things is the poop emoji, and one of my catch phrases is “poop is always funny” (until I step in a pile that Daisy-Lou left in our yard). Keeping in line with that, I give you this fun WTF Friday fact:

Mount Everest has a human feces problem, and it’s only getting worse. One climber described the mountain as having “pyramids of human excrement.”

Have any of you been to Mount Everest?  Can anyone confirm this for me?  I mean, I’m pretty sure that they don’t have those national park bathrooms that smell like 8 billion pound urinal cakes.  Who is going to service THAT, Scuzzlebutt?  It stands to reason, for me, that this would probably be true.  On some level, anyhow.  But “pyramids”? Do enough people really go there?  And why would they shit on another person’s pile of shit in order to build a “pyramid”? I mean, do we know they aren’t Bigfoot pyramids of dookie? Or, what about aliens? Giorgio and his hair might have something to say about that.

Take it over, Barb!

Barb here, I’ve totally heard of this!

From what I understand, Mt Everest has gotten stupidly packed, because anyone with a lot of money and no self-preservation instincts can give it a whirl. Amazing how frequently those two things go together, isn’t it? Also, fun fact, poop does not decompose at eleventy billion degrees below zero. So yeah, poop. Poop everywhere. Which is making me wonder about the logistics of dropping your pants and sticking your butt out when the temperature is something slightly colder than Pluto. Has anyone had to chip it loose after it freezes to their sphincter?

Also, as much as I know my co-blogger here loves Bigfoot, I think Everest is more his cousin’s territory, so it would be Abominable Snowman pyramids, wouldn’t it? That is, unless Giorgio’s hair has had the answers all along!

Dissy’s rebuttal: I canNOT even BELIEVE you already knew about this. HOW is that possible? Oh, wait… you did know about the guillotine-looking toe thingie, so why not about mountains of shit on the mountain of all mountains? Well… I can’t wait to see what you come up with for me.

Cent’anni, Bitches!