Monday Musings With Dissy: episode 2

In my quest to learn something new every day, I came across quite a lot of… interesting… information.

In the state of Texas, you do not have to be present at your own wedding.

Yes… You can be married “by proxy” in The Lone Star State.

Mainly, this is for people who, for some reason or other, aren’t able to be present at their nuptials. Specifically, it’s aimed at deployed military personnel or people in prison (*scratches head* let’s not go into what kind of person would want to marry someone in prison. I mean, Ted Bundy got married on death row. I guess there really is hope for everyone), and all you need is a signed, notarized affidavit from the person in question (I guess they’ve never heard of forgery or identity theft).

Can you imagine? You and I very well could be married to someone in Texas. Right now. This second. I hope my Lone Star Spouse is one of those oil gazillionaires and that I’ll get a ginormous check one day because he passed away or it’s some kind of settlement because I was also divorced by proxy.

It makes me wonder, though… Does an actual human being have to stand in for the absent bride or groom? I mean, could my pit bull stand in for me? I’d totally teach her to bark once for “I do” and twice for “go fuck yourself.”

“Sorry, absent groom. I realized that I like this dog better.”

I also learned that there is a law in Texas that states you can be considered legally married to someone by publicly announcing him or her as your spouse. You have to say it three times. Kind of like Beetlejuice, but instead of Michael Keaton in a stripey suit, you get a … hey… wait… can you just walk up to anyone and say “this is my husband, this is my husband, this is my husband,” and it’s a done deed?

I may try this one on for size if I’m single still by the time I get down to Texas.

“I got him on Main Street, near the Subway.”

And, finally, my favorite one.

It would seem there’s an odd 24 hour oral or written notice that all criminals must give their intended victims prior to said crime being committed.

Let that sink in.

Well, I’d better head home now. I’m expecting a burglary in about half an hour. Things will go horribly wrong, and I’ll end up shot in the face. No… No… I told the dude I’d be there. He did send me a letter, after all.”

Does email count? Or could you text them? Do I have to give notice if I intend to retaliate or defend my belongings?

Dear Criminal: I’mma have to say no. I will meet you at the back door with my Smith & Wesson. XOXO ~ Dissy

Also, if the criminal does not hold up his or her end of the bargain, do I have any recourse? What if the written notice did not mention the aforementioned burglar knocking over my goldfish bowl and killing poor Goldie? Can I sue his ass off for pain and suffering? Does he have to pay? I mean, isn’t that letter a legally binding contract?

And with that, I’ll say my good nights. I have to go start training my dog for my wedding. You never know when I might decide to relocate.

This blog is lovingly dedicated to the memory of Jeff Taylor, a lifelong Texan and a fellow Beavis and Butt-Head enthusiast.

Cent’anni, Bitches!