WTF Friday: Vol. 9

Warning: this blog would make it seem like Barb and I are mocking the trauma of sexual assault, and that is not our intent. Please bear in mind that this “news” story came from a tabloid and is, likely, either grossly exaggerated or completely false.

Sorry, Florida. You do not get to be in the spotlight this week.  Nope… you are losing out to my other favorite batshit state. Yep. This week’s dose of #whatthefuckiswrongwithyoupeople comes to you courtesy of The Lone Star State. 

79 people.

Seventy. Nine.


Dude… Prolific much?

Apparently, over the last 40 (FORTY!!!) years, across the states of Texas, California, Nevada, and New Mexico, this fine specimen of a “human being” would get stoned on LSD or PCP, put on an alien costume, kidnap people, and sexually assault them.

According to the article, one of his favorite places to haunt was a location near Area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico. You know, where all the alien/UFO hunters like to hang out hoping for a glimpse of extra-terrestrial activity.

It further says that, in order to confuse his victims, he had modified the inside of his truck to look like the inside of an operating room while, (and don’t forget this part) WEARING A DAMN ALIEN COSTUME.

What the hell kind of truck was he driving?? I mean, you’re going to need at least some room to maneuver around and to make it look like an operating room. Was it a standard pick-up? A van? A box truck? A tractor trailer? Why do these articles never tell us the shit we REALLY need to know? Tractor trailers are NOT cheap, so I’d imagine this may have been done while he was hauling cargo. I’m confused about the logistics. But, never mind that, for now.

Here is my favorite part:

He had even created his own sex toys designed to look like alien tools and medical instruments.

I… uh… 

Let me turn this over to Barb. Otherwise, I may end up commandeering the post today, and I have to remember to share.

Have at it, Barb!!

Holy. Fucking. Shit. There are no words…. I mean, there are plenty of words but not coherent ones.

me too, Barb. Me too.

Seventy-nine victims over the course of forty years?! How is it possible that he wasn’t caught sooner? Were his victims too ashamed to report what had happened? I can’t imagine a guy high out of his goddamn mind wearing AN ALIEN COSTUME would be difficult to spot. Then again, maybe there are a lot of people dressed like that in Roswell, I don’t know. (Dissy; I think they probably did report it as an alien abduction and not as a sexual assault).

Also, is it weird that I’m really curious what this guy thinks “alien tools and medical instruments” look like? Is there some connection between the drugs, and the belief that aliens perform surgery via dildo? Do we have pictures of them? There absolutely should be pictures. (Dissy: I am sad to report that, no, we do not have pictures of these “alien” sex toys, but I do think Pure Romance needs to get their asses in gear and make this happen).

That’s what she said…

And I really want to know more about this truck. It can’t be a regular pickup, Jay used to drive pickups and no way is there room for any of that mess. I have this mental image of the windowless pedo van. What does this guy’s drug addled brain think an operating room looks like?

The more I think about it, the more questions I have.

I tried looking to see if there was any more info out there, but didn’t have any luck, which puzzles me. How do you not write all the things about something like this? So Texas, you win the prize for whatthefuckery this week!

I just wanted to look at David Duchovny

Dissy really feels like Mulder and Scully should have been brought in on this.

Enjoy your weekend, folks!

Cent’anni, Bitches!

WTF Friday vol.1

Really?  A shit problem?

Howdy, folks! Dissy here kicking off our first edition of WTF Friday!! *insert canned studio applause*

We’re, by and large, still figuring out how we’re going to format some of our weekly standards, so bear with us while we work it out.  Here’s what we came up with for this week:

I fished on Google for a WTF topic.  I’m going to introduce it, say my brief piece, then pass it on over to Barb.  She has to write about it.  No whining, griping, or complaining about the topic.  Next week, she finds the WTF and I have to tackle it.  This method, of course, is subject to change at our whim.

Most of the time, my sense of humor is compared to that of an 8 year old boy.  Especially when it comes to bodily functions.  One of my favorite things is the poop emoji, and one of my catch phrases is “poop is always funny” (until I step in a pile that Daisy-Lou left in our yard). Keeping in line with that, I give you this fun WTF Friday fact:

Mount Everest has a human feces problem, and it’s only getting worse. One climber described the mountain as having “pyramids of human excrement.”

Have any of you been to Mount Everest?  Can anyone confirm this for me?  I mean, I’m pretty sure that they don’t have those national park bathrooms that smell like 8 billion pound urinal cakes.  Who is going to service THAT, Scuzzlebutt?  It stands to reason, for me, that this would probably be true.  On some level, anyhow.  But “pyramids”? Do enough people really go there?  And why would they shit on another person’s pile of shit in order to build a “pyramid”? I mean, do we know they aren’t Bigfoot pyramids of dookie? Or, what about aliens? Giorgio and his hair might have something to say about that.

Take it over, Barb!

Barb here, I’ve totally heard of this!

From what I understand, Mt Everest has gotten stupidly packed, because anyone with a lot of money and no self-preservation instincts can give it a whirl. Amazing how frequently those two things go together, isn’t it? Also, fun fact, poop does not decompose at eleventy billion degrees below zero. So yeah, poop. Poop everywhere. Which is making me wonder about the logistics of dropping your pants and sticking your butt out when the temperature is something slightly colder than Pluto. Has anyone had to chip it loose after it freezes to their sphincter?

Also, as much as I know my co-blogger here loves Bigfoot, I think Everest is more his cousin’s territory, so it would be Abominable Snowman pyramids, wouldn’t it? That is, unless Giorgio’s hair has had the answers all along!

Dissy’s rebuttal: I canNOT even BELIEVE you already knew about this. HOW is that possible? Oh, wait… you did know about the guillotine-looking toe thingie, so why not about mountains of shit on the mountain of all mountains? Well… I can’t wait to see what you come up with for me.

Cent’anni, Bitches!