This week, I’m to have my second appointment with my new therapist. I’m kind of wondering how that’s going to go. I was given homework, so to speak. I didn’t have to write anything down, but I was supposed to observe my thoughts, and, let me tell you, those little fuckers are all over the place.
I’m getting ready to turn 50 years old, and I still have no clue what is going on with my life. I’m trying to be okay with not knowing, but it’s always been hard for me to move forward when I don’t have at least a small idea that the outcome may be favorable.
When I was younger, being successful was effortless for me. I could float to the top of the class with minimal effort, though, more often than not, I would piss off my parents and teachers by being that “gifted but incredibly lazy” child who just didn’t do what she was supposed to do. This resulted in top grades on tests and mediocre report cards due to missing homework and missed classes. College wasn’t even really that much of a struggle.
Now? It completely blows my mind that I have to work hard to learn about a new interest or to acquire a new skill. And the horror of all horrors? The only person I have to make me do any of it is me. Actually, learning and knowing these things about myself took a long time, but knowing them does help. I feel that knowledge is power and the more effort you put into knowing how things work, the more successful you will be in the long run.
This post has ended up a lot more emo than I intended. Truth be told, I’m in a bit of a funk and have been for a few days now. I know it will pass, and I’m glad for that, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got shit to do. Time to keep it moving and fuck shit up.
I wanted a whole new life, and I have a whole new life, so why am I remaining stuck in the sad remains of the old life? Time to live this shit without knowing where I will end up. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns, and I’m sure I will laugh and cry along the way. In the end? I will have learned and I will have lived.
See you kiddos next week.