Monday Musings With Dissy: episode 5

That’s me today. Isn’t womanhood fun?

I’m in a super grouchy mood because Auntie decided to pop in and make life miserable for a few days. In the spirit of trying to amuse myself, I started researching superstitions about women’s monthlies, oh, fuck… Say it, Dissy. PERIODS!! I was researching PERIOD superstitions. Some of these are downright hilarious.

Here are some of my favorites:

If you touch any vegetable before or during the pickling process they would not pickle and would go bad.
This gem was listed as a superstition that originated in the good ole U.S. of A. I hope this is from a few hundred years ago, as I would hate to think I’m going to go home and ruin that beautiful jar of Claussens I just purchased. Those fuckers are pricey. Oh, wait, they didn’t say anything bad would happen if the vegetable was already pickled. hmmm…

This, out of Poland:
Having sex while menstruating can kill your partner.
Hmmmm… NOW they tell me. I am part Polish, and now I have a wonderful excuse. “Babe… I don’t want you to DIE!”

Don’t paint your nails, wash your hair, or drink lemonade.
Sayeth the Dominican Repblic.

Lemonade? Ummm… Very little renders me speechless, and no lemonade on the ladies’ days has got me there. What gives?

and this one is a doozy:

Courtesy of the Phillippines:
When you get your first period you need to wash your face with the first menstrual blood to have clear skin.
I… uh… What the hell? I mean… there are people out there who drink pee, and this is not nearly receiving the attention I think it ought to be (we are like rabid dogs over people not vaccinating their kids, but the pee drinkers get a free pass?), so I guess a Flo-Mask (I am straight up trademarking this name) isn’t entirely out of the question, right?

This site also lists a plethora of things you can’t make while riding the cotton pony either. Cream will curdle, mayonnaise will curdle, and every culinary attempt will be an epic fail (thanks, Italy, for that one).

But… this next one… I’m going to make it my “best for last,” as it really can’t be topped. It truly takes the cake, so to speak.

DAMN I want some chocolate cake.

Medieval Europeans believed that burning up a toad and wearing the ashes in a pouch near your vagina would slow a heavy flow.
Ummm… Thanks? I think I’ll stick with Midol.

Please don’t burn me…

Well, there you have it. I’m considerably amused. That’s what matters here. Why? Because I’m an asshole, that’s why. Seriously, though… I hope these little crazy snippets of information amused you, too. I have to go now. Toads to burn and, you know what, screw them. I’m having some goddamn lemonade.

Cent’anni, Bitches!!

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