Reader’s Choice Blog

Patchwork Blog

Methinks that Barb and I need to sit down and plan our blogs a little bit more. The week just sped by, and then Sunday rolled around, and we, again, had no clue what we were going to blog about.

We decided to leave it up to our Facebook friends, and we offered the hefty reward of a mention in today’s blog. We got two responses. We decided to each take one and do a patchwork sort of thing because, you know, that’s what happens when you plan poorly. Learn from our mistakes and stay on the high road, folks.

a crazy combo. kind of like us.

My topic?

Top 10 Things to Do When Snowed In

10. Play in the snow with your dog (if you have one). If you don’t have a dog, then sit on your porch and throw snowballs at the neighbor kids. When they whine to their parents and the parents come yell at you, throw snowballs at them, too. Get to know your neighbors over snowball fights and potential litigation.

9. Realize that your furnace isn’t working and nearly freeze to death waiting for the furnace repair dude to show up. Get mad at me because this will never happen to me because a.) my furnace is brand new and b.) my landlord’s fiancé is a furnace repair dude.

8. Bumper skiing. A parking lot is probably not practical for this in a “snowed in” situation, but your street probably won’t be very busy.  This is another neighbor-friendly activity. It’s much more entertaining than some random-ass barbecue.

ski mask may help with tire spray.

7. Dress your cat in doll clothes and take pictures for Instagram. Do this until the cat is on the verge of scratching your eyeballs out, then give the little dude/dudette a break. In an hour or so? Do it all again.

6. Read your favorite winter-themed book. Ideally, serial killers will be involved.  In the book, not actually in your house. That would kind of suck balls. Unless you managed to handle business, in which case, hide him or her (who are we kidding, most serial killers are dudes.  Hide HIM) in the basement and let the furnace fixer dude take the rap. It’s his fault for taking so long to get there.

5. Horrify Melissa Ann with your response to her suggestion of a top ten list on your blog. Then again, she’s probably digging it because she may just be as twisted with you.

Melissa and Dissy at Cleveland Pagan Pride.

4. Curl up on the couch with the dog/s, cat/s, pythons, hamsters, guinea pigs, turtles, goldfish, etc…, pop a large bowl of popcorn, and watch movies that remind you that it will maybe, one day, be summer again.

3. Shovel your driveway and sidewalks. Do the same for your elderly neighbors, the ones who don’t get around so well, and the ones you like a lot. The ones you only like a little bit get to help you because this is a lot of work if you’re a popular gal/guy. All of the displaced snow gets piled at the end of the driveway belonging to the neighborhood dickbag.

2. Make a snowman murder scene. This is another one where you can involve the whole neighborhood, then you can have a snowman murder epidemic. Make sure to not put your good axes and machetes with the snowmen. You don’t want them getting rusty.

Google Images never, ever lets me down.

1. Spray water on a long stretch of your lawn and take the kids out to play slip ‘n slide. If any neighbor kids want in on this, they have to bring a signed waiver, or their parents can come over and play too. Make sure to set up a beach umbrella (it’s in the shed, you forgetful fuck), and play hula music to set the tone.

Notice: if you’re the kind who needs to be told that this is a joke, then do the world a favor and never get on the internet again.

Now let’s see what Barb is going to talk about…

What did Facebook decide I should write about today?

Monday morning traffic jams, why are we all in such a hurry to get somewhere we don’t want to be?

Thanks Richard, nothing like a good existential crisis on a snowy Sunday 😉

Rick and his lovely wife, Laura.

Obviously, the main reason we all go to work is because we’re not independently wealthy. People have the strangest habit of enjoying things like eating and shelter.

We’ve all heard the platitude about loving what you do so it never feels like work. Which is awesome for the twelve people that actually happens for. For the rest of us, we have to make a living.

Interestingly enough, I read something earlier today about one of those snotty rich people who lose it all and have to live as one of us peasants for a while. These are supposed to be heartwarming tales of lessons learned, but I’ve always found them infuriating. Why would we be proud of some dickhead for finally realizing us poors are human when they become one?

Getting back to the original question, we’re rushing because we’re irritated that we have to go slog through another week, yet grateful that we have a job to get to. Which is the perfect mixture to cause all of us to be crab-asses. And probably the reason Jay won’t let me drive a monster truck. Or a tank. He never lets me have any fun. (from Dissy… and it’s just another way we are trying to rush the week away.)

He never lets her have any fun.

I’m all, “That would be so awesome!”

And he’s all “We don’t have bail money!” (from Dissy: you mean like when we leave the house together?)

See what I put up with?

Hope your commute goes smoothly, and one day we get to have monster truck races!

Cent’anni Bitches!

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