WTF Friday: Vol. 5

So… This interesting little tidbit came across my FacetySpace feed this past week:

Bradenton. It happened in Bradenton in case you were wondering. Dude woke up in the middle of the night to find a stranger sucking on his toes.

Sucking. On. His. Toes.

I’m going to wager that the toes in question were not this perky over the prospect of stranger mouth all over them.

Florida: Have you been in the bath salts again?

Oh, wait, these are bath “beads” not to be confused with bath “salts.”

I mean, I’ve heard of fetishes, but damn. Apparently, the victim was not down with this in any way, shape, or form, and who could blame him? I mean, I love to have my feet worshipped, but that whole stranger-breaking-in-in-the-middle-of-the-night thing would bug me just a smidge, too.

As the story progresses, we find that the victim began giving the intruder a well-deserved ass-kicking, at which point, the intruder told the victim that he had a gun and then tried to fondle the victim.

“Hold still whilst I handle your naughty bits, dear sir.”

A gun? It seems no one ever actually saw a gun, which begs the question: was it his love gun?

More importantly, it begs the question that has plagued the nation for a very long time now.

What in the everlasting fuck is wrong with Florida?

Have at it, Barb!

Oh, Florida Man, you are an endless source of what-the-fuck.

How exactly do you get to a place in life where breaking into a stranger’s home to suck on his toes seems like a perfectly reasonable way to pass the time? There have to be drugs involved, right? I mean, please tell me no one just wakes up one day and decides to do something like this because there was nothing good on t.v.

“Dammit. I just watched the last episode of Lost. Now what?”

I have heard an interesting theory on why things are so batshit crazy in Florida though. Apparently, their laws and regulations about crime reporting are different than everywhere else, in that newspapers are allowed to give a lot more detail. So, while you would have a headline anywhere else that says:

“Local Man Arrested for Drunk and Disorderly”

In Florida it would be more:

“Local Man arrested after chugging fifth of Jim Beam, stealing his neighbor’s lawn tractor, and riding it to his ex-wife’s house to shit on her car hood.”

No fucking WAY. This dude was arrested for DUI on this tractor. The best part? It was in… you guessed it. The Sunshine State.

The best part is, I’m not sure if that’s an actual incident I read about once, or if it just sounds like something that could happen.

Dissy: So does this mean that weird, crazy-ass shit happens all over the country, but Florida just reports on it more colorfully, which draws our attention to it? Oh, and don’t forget about the car shitter running loose in the Kenmore area in Akron,Ohio. He’s still very much at large.

Getting back to the rogue toe-sucker, no matter what gets your bells ringing, it’s all about consent. Don’t break into anyone’s house for any reason, no matter what the bath salts tell you.

Until Next Time,

Cent’Anni Bitches!

1 thought on “WTF Friday: Vol. 5”

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